JW CULT LIFE:
MORMON - LDS TEEN BEFRIENDS,
OUTCAST JEHOVAH'S WITNESS TEEN
As the only Jehovah's Witness in the entire 12 grade school, the undersized and immature JBoy had been mercilessly tortured and tormented since the 5th grade, when JBoy's then recently converted Mother had decided that JBoy should stop reciting the Pledge of Allegiance; that JBoy should stop standing when the school band played the National Anthem; and that JBoy should stop doing any school activity connected in any way with patriotism or a holiday. Despite the fact that being a member of the school band had been the highlight of JWMom's school years, JWMom forced JBoy to resign from that same school band mid-year of his 6th grade, after watching JBoy perform in that year's "Christmas Concert". For Jehovah's Witness readers, who know NOTHING about the history of their own religion, JBoy's mother had "studied" and eventually converted to the WatchTower Cult during 1966-67, which was when the WatchTower Cult's leadership had first begun to prophesy that Armageddon would occur in October 1975.
Then, in January 1972, on the first day of the Spring semester of JBoy's freshman year of high school, JBoy thought that he had just received a belated Christmas gift. The white Steve Urkel walked into JBoy's freshman homeroom just as the second "tardy" bell rang. The classroom's loud chatter abruptly stopped as everyone, even the 25 year-old male homeroom teacher, stared in amazement. The homeroom teacher pointed the new student to the only vacant desk available -- the one directly in front of the teacher's desk. A few muted snickers could be heard from the jocks seated in the back of the classroom, but most students were stunned into silence as the white Steve Urkel took his seat.
JBoy could not believe his eyes. Sitting across the room from JBoy was an even bigger NERD than he. JBoy was almost ashamed of himself as he contemplated the relief which might be granted him by the white Steve Urkel making himself an even bigger and better target for the bullies who mercilessly tormented JBoy every single day.
The white Steve Urkel was a sight never before beheld at JBoy's school. JBoy's hometown was a poor, rural community where most students wore well-worn generic jeans and sweatshirts to school in January. The handful of doctor's, attorney's, and schoolteacher's kids were careful not to wear any of the new clothes that they had just received for Xmas during the first week or so back from Xmas-New Years break. Of medium height and slim build, the white Steve Urkel was wearing more expensive and more professional clothes than was the teacher. Dress shirt, dress slacks, and dress shoes. A fresh, short haircut didn't help matters. Urkel's eyes were darting around out through horn rim glasses. There was something in Urkel's dress shirt pocket filled with enough ink pens and pencils of every variation to supply half the students in the room. Urkel would later explain to us cretans that that never before seen item was a "pocket protector". And, 14 year-old Steve Urkel was carrying a briefcase. Only two or three of the older male teachers carried briefcases. But, the briefcase was nothing when compared to its contents. Urkel had a better variety of office supplies than did the local dimestore.
Then, something caught JBoy's eye as he peered across the room. Setting in the briefcase was a small metal rectangle with about a hundred raised black buttons on it. It occurred to JBoy that Urkel's mother was going to be mad when she discovered her television remote missing. To JBoy's surprise, Urkel had more than one "remote control" in his briefcase. JBoy recognized the second one as being one of those new fangled "calculators". JBoy's braggart JW Uncle had recently showed JBoy one for which he had paid a week's salary at the local Western Auto store. JW Uncle's calculator could add, subtract, divide, and multiply, and it weighed less than the shadow from JBoy's parent's 25 pound adding machine. Later that day, JBoy asked Urkel what was the other "remote" with the multitude of small buttons? Urkel explained that that one was a "scientific calculator", which could do computations for problems which even "smart" JBoy wasn't sufficiently educated to understand the question must less the answer. Urkel was smart enough to say that he did not know what it cost.
Being the school's hated "Jehovah's Witness" outcast, JBoy was the last student to hear whatever was the latest rumor going around. So, JBoy spent several weeks after the arrival of the white Steve Urkel wondering why Urkel was not replacing JBoy as the school's bullies' favorite target. JBoy eventually learned why the bullies and others were restraining their contempt for the school's now bigger and better NERD. As JBoy's "luck" would have it, besides Urkel's two parents, Urkel had only two other relatives living in the entire state. Urkel's mother was the only sibling of the school's football and baseball coach, plus the coach's wife was the school's assistant principal. That's right. The white Steve Urkel was the nephew of the school's Assistant Principal and the school's Head Coach. Most of the school's bullies were jocks, and the last thing any jock wanted to do was get on the wrong side of the school's Head Coach.
THE LATTER-DAY SAINT NERD
JBoy's delusions of pending relief from his daily persecutions quickly faded away ... until one day when JBoy overheard some girls whispering that Steve Urkel was a MORMON, of all things ... those people that had a dozen wives. The first time that a fellow student eventually said something to Steve Urkel about his being a MORMON, and about Mormons having multiple wives, Steve Urkel boldly corrected their slander. Urkel disavowed the label "Mormon", and stated that he was a "Latter-day Saint". Urkel said that his family were members of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints", which had outlawed plural marriage way back in the 1800s. Since there was no local "temple", his family was now forced to drive a long distance every Sunday simply to worship.
When asked about his beliefs and practices, Urkel prefaced his remarks with, "Well, LDS aren't Jehovah's Witnesses!!!" Urkel explained that LDS celebrated all major holidays, and were patriotic Americans. Urkel related that his oldest brother even held a secret federal government job. JBoy related that the worst thing about being LDS was that he couldn't drink a COKE or PEPSI because LDS were prohibited from ingesting caffeine, and also alcohol. Urkel further explained that, "No, LDS did not have a different Bible." LDS used the King James Version bible just like other churches. The BOOK OF MORMON was simply "another testament of Jesus Christ", which complemented, not contradicted, the Holy Bible. JBoy was dismayed to see that Steve Urkel's interrogators were relieved and satisfied simply to know that their school did not have a second "Jehovah's Witness".
That's not to say that the white Steve Urkel didn't occasionally catch some verbal harassment from a few students whom could care less that his uncle and aunt were who they were. BUT, Urkel never-ever was physically punched and kicked like JBoy was sometimes. And, when it came to verbal harassment, JBoy's harassers never-ever said to Urkel the horrible things that they said to JBoy. And, Steve Urkel was never worried that his clothing or books might disappear, while every second that JBoy was at school, JBoy had to worry constantly that his personal property either might be taken from him surreptitiously, or simply stripped from his hands, and thrown out a window, or thrown into a trash can, or thrown into a toilet or urinal.
Why didn't JBoy report such to a teacher? Because, JBoy didn't need to. Most teachers would watch JBoy's tormentors, and would not say a word. Instead, they would stare down JBoy, letting him know that they agreed with his persecutors. Even away from school, not only would many of the neighborhood kids not play with JBoy, but their parents even would tell JBoy and his JW mother to their faces that their kids were not allowed to play with JBoy, and for JBoy to go play in his own yard, and stay out of their yard.
Did JBoy ever report his daily persecution to his parents? JBoy knew that telling his father would simply cause even additional problems. That explanation is too complicated and lengthy for this account. JBoy did once reveal one incident of torment that resulted in a pair of his pants being destroyed to his JWMom, but her halfwit response was that if JBoy ever got in trouble at school that he would have twice as much trouble when he got home.
In 1971, as the WatchTower Cult ramped up its rhetoric about the coming breakdown of society which would precede Armageddon in October 1975, JBoy's parents moved from their home inside the city limits to a small 5-acre farm just outside the city limits. There, the family tried to become as self-sufficient as they could. A vegetable garden was raised every year. JWMom learned to can and dry various fruits and vegetables. That small farm had multiple plum and cherry trees, apple trees, a pear tree, black walnut trees, hickory nut trees, wild blackberries, wild strawberries, grapes, etc. (JBoy relates that every single fruit tree, bush, vine, etc. has been killed by some type of "natural" blight over the past 50 years, and "wonders" if such blights are actually intentional sabotage by the commercial farming establishment???) The family fattened a hog and a calf for slaughter each Spring and Fall. Chickens were kept for eggs. It was JBoy's responsibility to keep the animals fed and watered everyday.
JBoy does not have many positive things to say about his JWMom, or his "father", who believed just enough of the WatchTower Cult's malarky to make his life even worse than it was already, BUT, JBoy relates that both parents were extremely hard workers. JWMom worked factory jobs located in adjacent counties during all his school years. Due to the extra commute time, JWMom was gone from home 10 hours every weekday, and then came home and worked until late at night. JBoy's father worked hard manual labor for minimum wage 11-12 hours per day, six days a week.
The white Steve Urkel's parents and home life were nothing like that of JBoy's family. Steve Urkel's father had been raised in a longtime, prominent Salt Lake City LDS family. Urkel had a great-grandfather whose biography was accounted on a recent national television program. Urkel's GGF knew and worked with both Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. Urkel's father was older than all four of JBoy's grandparents. Urkel's mother was the average age of JBoy's two grandmothers. Urkel was the last of three boys spaced far apart. In the 1970s, Urkel's oldest brother worked in Langley, when he wasn't traveling internationally on "business". Urkel's less-adventurous middle brother was still in law school, but he eventually went to work in Quantico.
Steve Urkel's elderly parents were semi-retired from the insurance industry, and were doing very well financially for the 1970s. In order to live near Urkel's mother's only sibling during their final decades, Urkel's parents had purchased an insurance agency in brother's town. A large building came with the deal. A typical two-story brick building, with a rear groundfloor addition was located on the main street through smalltown. The previous agency owner had completely remodeled the old building into a storefront insurance agency, with a main living quarters in the rear, and a second living quarters above the agency.
Due to their advanced age, Urkel's parents lived in the 1200 s.f. groundfloor rear addition, while Urkel had the 900 s.f. second story apartment over the 9:00 - 5:00 insurance agency entirely to himself. It was a 14-15 year-old high school boy's dream. Urkel had his own bathroom, kitchen, and living room. Twice per week, a housekeeper cleaned Urkel's apartment, washed his dishes, washed and ironed his clothes, restocked his fridge and cupboards, etc. Urkel's elderly parents practically never climbed the long exterior stairway to his second story quarters. Urkel's parents communicated with him via intercom.
When the Urkels moved to town, elderly father and mother each drove a Mercedes-Benz in a county where noone else even owned a Benz. When Urkel got his license at age 16, his parents bought him a three year-old "pre-owned" Benz, which cost more than JBoy's parent's brand new Mercury.
JBoy purchased his own first car in 1974, after he got his driver's license. JBoy paid $300.00 for a 12 year-old Chevy Bel Air owned by a Deacon at the local Southern Baptist Church, who told JBoy that the no-problems, low-mileage car had always been serviced at the dealership where he purchased it brand new back in 1962, for about $2200.00. Literally, 30 minutes after purchasing that car, JBoy stopped to get gasoline, where the station's mechanic asked JBoy why was he driving SBC Deacon's car? After telling the mechanic that he had just bought the car from SBC Deacon, the mechanic asked JBoy if SBC Deacon had told him that the engine had a bent piston which required the entire engine to be rebuilt? NO!!! JBoy wound up having to pay $350.00 for his $300 car's engine to be rebuilt. About three months later, one night, JBoy's father backed his junker pickup into the car's driverside rear fender, which was completely smashed and caved-in. Although JBoy's "new" car looked like a real POS, JBoy's father refused to turn the accident in to his insurance company (not Urkel's parents), and refused to pay to have JBoy's car repaired. If JBoy's life as smalltown's teenage outcast was not already bad enough, now JBoy had to drive around smalltown in a car that looked like it had been purchased for $50 after the local demolition derby ended.
It wasn't until around mid-semester of that first Spring 1972 semester that Urkel and JBoy had interacted enough to realize that they enjoyed each other's company and conversation, and they slowly became "friends" despite their different lifestyles. Initially, Urkel began inviting JBoy to his home for a few hours on either Friday or Saturday night for dinner and television with Urkel's parents. When occasional overnight stays began to occur, the two "geniuses" discovered that they could talk for hours about things they wouldn't have given a second thought earlier that day. Notably, for the next two years, the two geniuses avoided discussing anything connected with their respective "religions".
Then -- Summer 1972. In addition to everything going on in JBoy's hectic life as a farmboy and door-knocking Jehovah's Witness being even much more busy during the summertime, JBoy also worked a 6-day-per-week job. JBoy had no time to hangout with Steve Urkel, who spent everyday except Sunday at the Country Club -- on the golf course and at the pool. JBoy saw Urkel only a few brief times during Summer 1972.
When school started back in September 1972, JBoy and Urkel renewed their friendship. During their sophomore year of high school, JBoy and Urkel became very close. The first Fall semester, they shared homeroom and three of their six classes, plus lunch period. JBoy was invited over to Urkel's and his parent's apartments at least once a week. JBoy would spend the night about once per month. JBoy was even invited to go along with the Urkel family on two full Saturday out-of-town trips, including one trip which included a meal at an expensive city restaurant.
Summer 1973 was a repeat of Summer 1972, except that JBoy and Urkel "camped out" on the backside of JBoy's parent's small farm one Friday night. Urkel had only been to JBoy's farmhouse one previous time, and JBoy could tell that Urkel wanted to leave as fast as he could. Even outside in the gravel drive, Urkel was concerned that he might get some farm animal manure on his shoes. Urkel enjoyed that summertime "camp-out" so much so that he never mentioned it again.
In Fall 1973, JBoy even accompanied the Urkels on an overnight weekend trip to the home of an out-of-state relative. Elderly Poppa Urkel became so comfortable around JBoy that he often watched television with the two boys wearing only slacks over his "Mormon Magic Underwear". In fact, JBoy believes that it was Urkels elderly parents whom promoted the two boy's friendship. Often, after arriving for a Friday or Saturday night visit, Urkel's parents would mention that it was they who had encouraged Urkel to call JBoy to visit. In fact, after Urkel left smalltown after high school, Pa and Ma Urkel remained friends with JBoy until both died only a few short years thereafter.
I MAY BE YOUR BEST FRIEND, BUT YOU ARE NOT MINE
Over time, JBoy gradually learned that Urkel had an "dark" side to him that Urkel apparently restrained around JBoy. First, there had been an incident back during Spring 1972 when the local cops had brought Urkel home one late Sunday afternoon after catching him and three other boys "playing hide-n-seek" in a large factory building under construction in the industrial park. JBoy was even more shocked that Urkel had never ever mentioned associating with those other three boys. JBoy also later learned that Urkel had several "souvenirs" from that construction site hidden in his apartment, which had been taken during earlier visits.
Then, in Fall 1972, Urkel was SHOT while "hunting" with a male teen whom Urkel had never mentioned to JBoy as being a friend or acquaitance of Urkel. The rifle was only a .22 caliber, and the wound was only a flesh wound, but it did require emergency care and followup treatment for several weeks. JBoy knew enough about firearms and hunting to know that the two teens had LIED to the police about how the "accident" had occurred. The two idiots obviously had been horseplaying with a loaded rifle, and Urkel was extremely lucky that he had not been seriously injured or even killed.
Later, in Spring 1973, Urkel again was "playing" with a group of teens whom Urkel had never mentioned to JBoy as being his friends or acquaitances, during after hours at an industrial manufacturing site, and Urkel somehow ended up with a broken ankle. JBoy didn't even bother caching the exact story that was told because he immediately knew that Urkel's and his new friends' story was an obvious LIE.
To continue this line of thought, in Spring 1974, after receiving his driver's license, and after receiving the aforementioned Mercedes Benz, Urkel was once again associating with a "friend" whom JBoy did not know to be a "friend" of Urkel's, when Urkel wrecked his car, doing sufficient damage that it was not retained. It probably was due to the strength and safety of the Benz that neither Urkel nor his passenger were seriously injured. Urkel's elderly "very smart" "insurance industry" parents not so smartly replaced the Benz with a "pre-owned" Corvette. Urkel totalled that Corvette in Fall 1974.
As October 1975 grew closer and closer, like most other JWs, JBoy became totally engrossed with WatchTower Cult meetings and field service. By Spring 1974, JBoy amd Urkel began to grow apart as JBoy moved toward an even more conservative life style, if such were possible, while Urkel moved more and more to the opposite extreme.
The summer of 1974 WatchTower District Convention really impacted JBoy. JBoy and several other malingerers in the congregation all decided to get baptized before it was too late. Returning from the District Convention, JBoy was afire with WatchTower Cult zeal. JBoy decided that he had held his tongue long enough with Urkel. JBoy telephoned Urkel and "scheduled" an entire evening together to have a "serious discussion" about the Bible. Urkel was a genius, and he had to know to what JBoy was referring. Even to JBoy's surprise, Urkel entered into the previously prohibited topic with respect and deference.
JBoy and Urkel spent six hours discussing the subject of Armageddon occurring in October 1975. Urkel even requested JBoy to bring him multiple WatchTower books, which Urkel did read, as proved during later discussions. Within two weeks, Urkel even agreed to attend a meeting at a Kingdom Hall in a nearby county, where noone could recognize him and possibly report his attendance to his Mormon parents. That turned out to be a terrible idea. A Thursday night was the only time that Urkel could get away from his parents without creating suspicion, so JBoy and Urkel ended up attending a TMS and Service Meeting, which did NOT impress Urkel the least bit. Urkel related that he had never attended an Amway meeting, but that was what the Kingdom Hall meeting seemed like to him -- a very unimpressive Amway meeting. If Urkel actually had any interest in the Jehovah's Witnesses, attending that Thursday night meeting killed such.
At the same time, JBoy also was contemplating one of the most important decisions in his life, up to that point in time. JBoy decided that if he truly believed that Armageddon was going to occur in October 1975, then returning for his senior year of high school made zero sense. When JBoy told Urkel that he was dropping out of high school, Urkel told JBoy that he was "crazy". JBoy took offense, and the friends parted thinking that each was a jerk. JBoy did not hear from Urkel until November 1974, when Urkel invited JBoy for a typical evening of dinner and television with Urkel's elderly parents. JBoy braced himself for an interrogation about his decision to drop out of high school, but to his surprise, the topic was not breached. JBoy now doubts that Urkel's parents even knew that JBoy had dropped out of high school. JBoy also now suspects that it was Urkel's parents rather than Urkel who wanted JBoy to visit that evening.
INTENDED SUPERMOON SACRIFICE
After that November 1974 dinner, JBoy did not see or hear from Urkel again until February 25, 1975 -- "a date which will live in infamy". Strangely, Urkel showed up at "stupid" JBoy's place of employment only about 15 minutes after the turnout of high school. AND, Urkel looked and behaved as JBoy had never previously observed. Urkel looked as if he had lost 25 pounds since JBoy had last seen him in November, and Urkel was nervous and jittery. Urkel's eyes darted here and there -- unable to look JBoy straight in his eyes.
JBoy intentionally got in Urkel's face as close as he could in order to smell if there was alcohol on Urkel's breath. JBoy could smell no alcohol. After Urkel left, and JBoy had a chance to ponder what had just happened, JBoy seriously wondered whether Urkel had been "high". JBoy had never been around someone who was "high", but he had heard others describe people when they were "high", and Urkel had just fit that description exactly. JBoy did not know what Urkel did when he was hanging out with others, but Urkel had never shown any interest in, nor spoke about, drugs or alcohol when he was around JBoy -- until this conversation.
What had Urkel wanted? Urkel wanted to get together that night to "talk" about something serious with JBoy, which JBoy agreed to do after that night's "Book Study" at the local Kingdom Hall. JBoy had no reason not to accomodate Urkel's request, but there were several reasons for JBoy to be uneasy about such, even more than the strange behavior noted above. As JBoy pondered and mulled over the situation, he realized the following.
First, the date was Tuesday, February 25, 1975, and never before had Urkel invited JBoy to an evening of "talking" on a schoolnight, since such generally lasted into the wee hours of the morning. Since JBoy had first known Urkel back in Spring 1972, they had gotten together on a weekday night only 5 or 6 times ONLY to go somewhere or do something school related -- never to hold one of their lengthy "talks".
Second, Urkel had attempted to "bribe" JBoy's agreement to meet and "talk" with Urkel later that night using the promise of "beer". JBoy has no recollection of ever previously declining one of Urkel's invitations unless JBoy had a prior commitment. Seventeen year-old Urkel told JBoy that he had gotten a six-pack of beer for them to consume that night. Once again, JBoy and Urkel not only had never drank alcohol together previously, but they had passed over many, many opportunities to do so. That just was not the type of friendship had by JBoy and Urkel.
Third, Urkel specifically told JBoy that he did not want JBoy to come to his apartment that night, but rather, Urkel wanted to meet JBoy after the "Book Study" in a dark parking lot behind a business which literally was only 30 seconds drivetime from Urkel's apartment. JBoy had never ever met Urkel at some place other than Urkel's apartment, their high school, or some other place where was held an event that they were attending, and the latter could be counted on one hand. When asked "why", Urkel did not have an answer, but start muttering nonsense, and ended with, "Just meet me there."
JBoy had told Urkel that he could be at the parking lot by 8:15 PM, but Urkel didn't show until 8:45 PM, even though Urkel's apartment was only 4 blocks down the same street. Urkel finally drove up and told JBoy to get in with him. Even that was an anomally. First, even when sober, Urkel drove so badly and so dangerously that JBoy always chose to drive whenever they drove somewhere together. JBoy had only ridden with Urkel three previous short times. Two short drives in the Benz, and one test drive in the Vette. Second, Urkel was driving a never-before seen POS. It wasn't as bad as JBoy's car, but it was close. The Urkel that JBoy knew was too proud even to be seen in such a POS. On the rare previous occasions when Urkel had ridden in JBoy's car, Urkel would slide down in the front seat so far that noone could see him. Heck, their first time together, Urkel even chose to ride in the backseat. When asked, Urkel claimed that the old beater was what his parents' had bought him after he had totaled his Vette last Fall. If true, such went against everything JBoy had learned about Urkel and his extremely proud parents. JBoy simply knows that he never again saw that easily recognizable car in smalltown after that evening.
Not only had Urkel's looks and demeanor not improved since 3:30 that afternoon, Urkel looked and acted even worse. Urkel began driving up and down smalltown's main drag -- smalltown's "cruising route" -- which JBoy and Urkel had never before done. JBoy inquired as to what was so important to discuss, but Urkel was so out of it that he could not even come up with a LIE. Once again, Urkel simply mumbled some nonsense.
JBoy did not become overly concerned. Urkel and he were like brothers, and JBoy decided to stick out the night and see if he could help Urkel with whatever was Urkel's problem.
Urkel seemed to be looking for an unknown person or persons as JBoy and he cruised smalltown, and began showing anxiety at not being able to locate them. Strangely, Urkel began stopping at multiple payphones along the cruising route to make short telephone calls, which were not being answered. More strange was the fact that Urkel's apartment was located at the midpoint of smalltown's cruising circle, and Urkel never once stopped at his own apartment to use his own telephone. Urkel even eventually drove two miles outside town to a gasoline station to urinate, rather than stopping at his own apartment, which he had just drove by a dozen or more times.
Finally, around 9:30 PM, Urkel dropped JBoy off back at his car, asking that JBoy again meet back at the same dark parking lot at 10:00 PM. JBoy agreed to do so out of curiously more than anything else. Even JBoy's "brotherly love" for Urkel was taxed that evening by all Urkel's nonsense.
Urkel was punctual at 10:00 PM, and seemingly in better shape. Urkel proceeded to drive out-of-town with JBoy. JBoy asked where Urkel was going, but Urkel kept repeating, "Just wait, you'll see." JBoy now admits that he was a total idiot that evening. Urkel drove to an isolated section of the county where even the state police were afraid to go after dark. (Ask any cop, and if honest, they will admit that they are not afraid of going anywhere EXCEPT places or buildings known to be used by ... well let's not ruin this story.)
Urkel eventually came to an isolated gravel county road, which he continued down until he came to a very wide spot created by vehicles making u-turns, as evidenced by tire tracks. It was around 10:45 PM, and Urkel stopped his car right in the middle of the road, and turned it off. JBoy encouraged Urkel to pull his car over to the widened edge of the road in case some other car might come along. Strangely, Urkel stated that there were no houses down this road, but rather that it led to an abandoned industrial site. Even JBoy understood that such was strange knowledge for someone who had lived in this county for only three years.
Urkel reached for the six pack as soon as he had stopped. Given no experience drinking with JBoy, Urkel did not even know that JBoy did not like beer. JBoy was a hard liquor drinker, and had been drinking mixed drinks at home since he was 12 years old. But, JBoy accepted a beer just to be sociable, opened it, and began to sip/nurse it. Even if you were a beer drinker, the temperature that night was cold, although warm for a February night.
It had been overcast earlier that evening, and even had occasionally drizzled rain. However, the rolling clouds began to break shortly after they had parked. By only 11:15 PM, it was like DAYLIGHT outside -- literally. JBoy rolled down his window, stuck his head outside, and remarked that there not only was a FULL MOON, but that was the LARGEST FULL MOON that he had ever seen.
Urkel barely even acknowledged JBoy's remarks about the extremely bright fullmoon, because Urkel was too preoccupied repeatedly looking back and forth at his rearview and sideview mirrors. It was only then that JBoy finally understood what was going on and what had been going on all evening. JBoy had no past experience being around people who were "high", much less being high, but even JBoy now understood that Urkel was so "high" that Urkel didn't even realize how strange was his behavior inside the car. Urkel's repeatedly looking back and forth from the rearview mirror to the sideview mirror, and back again, probably seemed to the "high" Urkel as if such were being spread out over "minutes", when in fact those cycles were being repeated every few "seconds". JBoy attempted to engage Urkel with questions, but Urkel could not even understand such sufficiently to form reasonable answers. Urkel just sat there looking back and forth from one mirror to the other, and occasionally mumbling nonsense in response to JBoy's questions.
JBoy FINALLY understood that HIS LIFE WAS IN IMMEDIATE DANGER!!! JBoy first attempted to see if Urkel had a pistol either under his seat, or in the door pocket on Urkel's left side, but he really couldn't see. JBoy had no idea where he was, or even in which direction through the surrounding hills might be a house. In any event, JBoy decided that when headlights showed up behind them that he would jump out and run. However, it was so bright outside that JBoy knew that if Urkel's co-conspirators had a rifle, they could not miss him even from a distance. JBoy tried to pre-plan an escape route away from Urkel's car which would both create the most distance as soon as possible and keep as many large tree trunks between him and a possible shooter.
By then, it was about 11:30 PM, and JBoy figured that Urkel's co-conspirators were going to show very soon -- assuming that midnight was the appointed time for the start of the ceremony. As sure as clockwork, JBoy began to hear barely a dampened extremely loud noise off in the distance. It took longer for the "high" Urkel to hear the increasing volume noise, but unexpectedly to JBoy, Urkel was not happy about such. It took a few more minutes before it could be understood that the ever increasing noise was not coming from behind their car, but rather was coming from in front of them. Notably, Urkel did not react as someone would be expected to react if they were parked and drinking out in the middle of nowhere. Instead, Urkel sat right there waiting until a train of tractor-trailers with no headlights on, nor marker lights on, could be seen coming straight for them. JBoy gave a huge sigh of relief as Urkel struggled with the carkey to start his engine. Urkel made a tire-spinning u-turn and got the hell out of there. Urkel barely talked the entire trip back to smalltown. Neither did JBoy speak. JBoy was too busy putting together all that night's pieces of the puzzle, which JBoy had no doubt was intended for his demise.
JBoy thanked GOD that some wildcatters apparently had decided to illegally open and work that abandoned mine site that fullmoon night.
After Urkel dropped JBoy off at his car that February 1975 night, JBoy did not again hear from Urkel until nearly a year later -- January 1976 -- and even that was too soon for JBoy. Urkel was then getting ready to return for his second semester of college at an expensive private school. Urkel not only was proud of disclosing to JBoy that he was a drug "user", but even that he was a "dealer" at his school.
Even before that short visit, JBoy had learned that the ever-older Urkel parents had hired a fulltime assistant to work at their insurance agency sometime back in Spring 1974. That mid 20s female was a known local WITCH, and she had begun a sexual affair with the then only 16 year-old Urkel soon after starting to work at Urkel's parents' insurance agency (beneath Urkel's apartment). Before the Witch, Urkel had never even kissed a girl.
That WITCH destroyed Urkel's life. She quickly had introduced LDS-Urkel to drugs and alcohol. Urkel gradually became addicted to drugs as the genius struggled through under-grad private college and post-grad public university. The drug-addicted Urkel was forced to settle for a career with a public company barely worthy of his genius, where he somehow managed to outsmart workplace drug-testing for 25 years. Urkel eventually committed suicide after an adult daughter publicly accused Urkel of child molestation.
After ruining Urkel's present and future, the WITCH moved on and continued very quietly screwing half of the married and unmarried men and boys in smalltown. Age 30s Witch eventually married a prominent widower nearly twice her age. Witch joined him at the local Southern Baptist Church, and waited for her new husband to die, which he eventually did.
During the latter 1970s and 1980s, dead bodies began to occasionally turn up in and around the same area where Urkel had taken JBoy to drink a beer. Several of the corpses had been burned. Most had been tortured.
1975 came and went just as had 1843-44, 1873-74, 1878, 1881, 1914, 1915, 1918, 1919, 1925, 1954, and later, 1984, 1994, and eventually 2034.
Today, in 2019, neither JBoy, nor JWMom, nor any other relative is under the thumb of the WatchTower Cult. Neither are many of the JWs they knew back during the 1970s.